Why We Don't Ask...

“I want a 6’ slender and muscular black dude who will make love to me regularly, seducing me with a fine meal, interest in what I have to say, making fun remarks, and touching me in this way and that. I want him over three times a week and I want him to go home in the evening around 1am so I still get a good night sleep. I want him to be financially insecure so I can give him gifts so that I will be valued by him and he won’t leave me. I want him to be emotionally insecure at times but also strong, so that I know I am in control but there is still something to surrender to sexually.”

Why don’t we ask for what we want so explicitly. The first reason is that some of the things in the above example we might feel some shame admitting. We don’t want our partner digging too closely into why we think that without our money they might leave us. What dirty secret are we hiding that is so unlovable?

The second is that many of us judge what we want: “I should like white’s as much as blacks. Seeking tall people is shallow… And how dreadful, wishing that someone is poor so that we can feel more secure.” If we don’t say it, maybe we can pretend we don’t wish for it either. Then we not only escape our own judgment, but other’s judgment and criticism as well. When we are honest with ourselves, it also gives us the opportunity to edit. With a little creativity we may be able to find another way that we can feel secure so that we could have the pleasure of a wealthy lover. For many that has it’s own set of judgments. [smile]

The final reason is that we don’t want to hurt other’s feelings. We have all felt the pain of not being chosen and know what its like. We are in fact very empathic and kind human beings, and for some the thought of choosing another in a visible way, particularly when a number of people are interested in us, is just too frightening. We don’t want the responsibility for causing that kind of pain.

This last issue is particularly traumatic for many of us. We care so much about not hurting other people’s feelings, that many of us will gladly deny our own needs – even run away from situations in inappropriate and damaging ways just to avoid looking into someone’s eyes and seeing the hurt they feel because we preferred somebody else. Particularly when we care about them, accepting that we do have preferences and live in a world that requires choices, is sometimes too much.

Action: Have compassion for yourself for wanting to escape judgment.. And know: the sooner you have the courage to own what it is you truly want, whether or not you share all of it with others, the faster will you be fulfilled. You will also be modeling the courageous action of being willing to have it all. Those people you are so afraid of hurting or judging you may just learn a priceless lesson through your example.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose