The Intimacy Game
At the most basic level, we are here to wake up to who we are and what we are doing. We play many games all our life in the hope they will help us wake up: Jackie tells Tony she has some things to talk about. Tony says it’s not a good time and changes the subject, never returning to talk about it again. Without being entirely conscious of it as a strategy, Jackie decides to close down. At some level Tony knows what is happening but would prefer not to talk about the issue so he pretends that nothing is happening. When Jackie closes down completely he feels huffy. This game can have many outcomes:•Jackie can realize she is shut down, take a stand for her openness and confront Tony on the need for him to hear what she has to say in order to sustain their mutual desire for openness.
Jackie can realize she is shut down, take a stand for her openness and confront Tony on the need for him to hear what she has to say in order to sustain their mutual desire for openness.•Jackie can realize she is shut down and decide that any relationship in which she feels shut down is not OK so she wants out.
Jackie can realize she is shut down and decide that any relationship in which she feels shut down is not OK so she wants out.•Jackie can stay, feeling unloved and unwanted in who she is.
Jackie can stay, feeling unloved and unwanted in who she is.•Tony can leave, making Jackie out to be boring for shutting down.
Tony can leave, making Jackie out to be boring for shutting down.•Tony can confront Jackie on her shutting down and either blame her or explore the problem with her.
Tony can confront Jackie on her shutting down and either blame her or explore the problem with her.•Tony can stay, satisfied that there will not be an uncomfortable amount of intimacy and maintain the status quo.
Tony can stay, satisfied that there will not be an uncomfortable amount of intimacy and maintain the status quo.At some level, both Tony and Jackie want to be challenged. They want the other to care enough about the shutting down to do what is needed to open things up again. Tony wants Jackie to confront him to grow in the ways he needs to in order to maintain the relationship with the Jackie he was so attracted to in the beginning. Jackie, on the other hand, is waiting to see if he prefers the small, wounded, inadequate Jackie who he evokes by not listening to her or whether he cares enough about the passionate, mature Jackie to respect her and rise to the challenge. She wants a man who will fight for her. Both are also afraid of the power and intimacy that comes from sustaining a relationship with our more majestic selves. The cat and mouse game continues and will be resolved in any of the above ways or others.Action: What parts of yourself have you allowed your partner to banish through disrespect? Ultimately it is your responsibility to take a stand for who you are and to challenge your partner to rise to the occasion and allow your partner to meet you or move on. Your partner will respect you more for this.
Cresting the Waves:
A guide to sailing through life on
Relation-Ships
Dane E. Rose
