Subtle Torture
We are not one but many selves. If you listen closely you will come to notice that your thoughts and feelings are not the product of one consistent personality, but are in fact a multitude of characters, each with their own needs, values and opinions. When we "make a decision" we are in effect mediating between these different characters within us based on what we feel will serve us and those around us best. When we "react" we relinquish our mediating role and allow the character that is feeling the most intense feelings to respond "purely" and without the benefit of balance. This creates what is known as a "cycle." Balance is such a deep instinct that when we surrender the role of creating balance within ourselves we attract the opposite without so as to create balance in our outer world, which in turn suggests an "extreme" response to balance it; hence the term cycle. Much of what is considered "maturity" is expressed when we use our skill to "temper" our reactions in such a way that creates a neutral response. This can be challenging when we deny or refuse to represent some of our inner characters. Our cultural bias for or against factions of our full selves is often the pre-curser to an unhealthy cycle of internal and external reaction. Cycles are often intergenerational: the parent who abuses one of their inner characters will also attempt to kill off that character in the child. The child may rebel into the opposite and try and kill off the parent to create balance, or will pass on the wound to their child. Making love to our partner involves opening to more and more facets of each other and learning the dance between your selves and theirs. There is a mystery of unconscious intent at work here that is valuable to notice. Have you ever wondered why with some people your compliments are received by their grump and your criticisms are received by their wounded child? This resulting, naturally, in their wounded child staying wounded and unappreciated, and their grump feeling entitled. Why can’t your compliments be received by your partner’s wounded child and in this way heal their wound? Why can't your criticisms kick the grump off it’s but? When this misalignment between your response and the receiving charachter in your pertner they are both using you to punish themselves and are in effect punishing you. A part of you knows this and may feel angry or enraged: angry that you can’t get through. Enraged that the grump you hate is digging at you through your partner and your frustration is being taken out on their innocent child who you love. It is part of the torture chamber that every human relationship contains an aspect of. When this happens, it is valuable to step back. Acknowledge and express your anger to your partner in your own space through writing or some other means. Accept that you have no control over this game your partner is playing, and that they may not be conscious enough to control it either.Action: When your partner is setting you up to abuse them, step back to whatever distance you feel you need to avoid being triggered into some form of abuse. Seek help, or leave a relationship that is drawing out the abuser in you.
Cresting the Waves:
A guide to sailing through life on
Relation-Ships
Dane E. Rose
