Serving Our Divine Child

The following is a letter I wrote to the online community of the Human Awareness Institute:

Dear Community,

I want to create a relationship with a willing father figure to support my healing process in specific areas. It could be a short term relationship or it could very beautifully last a life time, transitioning into different forms.

I do know what is important about it to me: I want a man who feels and is logistically available on a fairly regular basis (10-20 quality hours a month or so) to spend time on the phone and in person at my home

in San Rafael and other locations. I want someone who follows through on what he says. Most importantly, in our time together I want the clear agreement that this is about him supporting me. My needs/his support. I am not in principle closed to the idea of a homosexual father, but would be really pissed if a sexual attraction came up so prefer someone straight. I want the understanding that this is about service and love for him. I also want someone who has good boundaries and is not going to become a martyr.

The agreement I would ask is that once begun, we complete any plans/commitments made. Other than that the relationship can be dissolved by either or both of us at any time, with some form of closing ritual.

Activities I have in mind include: hanging out and having fun, holding me, praising me, taking an interest in my accomplishments and listening to my process around wounds with my biological process.

If you are a man over 50 and are interested in exploring this relationship with me, check out my web site to learn a bit more about me:

www.DaneColby.com I am financially and logistically independent so any needs of mine would be of an emotional nature, expressed within the boundaries of our agreed relationship. To start the process, send me an e-mail about yourself and a time we could meet for several hours to discuss this further.

Thank you,

Dane

*           *            *

Out of this e-mail I have created an incredible relationship with a man who responded. It is one of the most fulfilling and supportive relationships of my life. A number of my friends are jealous and a lady friend is actively seeking to create her own father. It took about two hours of my time. Just as importantly, it opens up my own vision to create as many father figures as I desire throughout my life. And why not adopt a mother? The bigger implications are to start consciously negotiating relationship contracts with willing participants of all kinds for as long as the relationship serves. It does of course require not only a change of thinking but the cultivation of skills in self awareness, respect and communication. These skills are well over due in our evolution. I encourage you to embrace them with the same dedication as learning to type. It may not take as long and these skills can begin to open doors that learning to type could never do. [smile]

It is no accident that letters like the one I wrote requesting a father to adopt are rare. Why? Have you ever considered why you do not do something similar? How many people have had painful rotten experiences a child and are still hungering inside for a parent’s love. Why wouldn’t you simply say: “I am in pain because a part of me is stuck not getting my dad’s love. Let me get a dad who will love me in the ways I need?”

The same is true of the love between a man and a woman. How many in relationship do not feel loved because their partner does not do certain things that bring about a feeling of love for them. Why not just negotiate up front: “I want someone who will love me in these ways. Are you willing to commit to doing that as long as we choose to be in relationship together?” It sure beats pouting and feeling unlovable when yet another partner does not treat us the way we want. But will you do this. NO. You are probably distancing yourself from me and my words as I speak.

We are conditioned to attack the part of us that wants more – that wants everything – from the moment of our birth. It starts out with the fact that no one is capable of giving our child even a fraction of the perfect love we seek. This fact brings up pain and inadequacy in those who love and care for us, and we see their pain. Out of loyalty, we ratchet down our desires to what they can provide. Just as importantly, when they do the best they can and we let them know it is not enough, they hurt us, both emotionally and physically. Eventually we learn not to ask for what we want to avoid the pain of punishment and judgment. But that part keeps peaking up, so we start judging it ourselves to beat it into submission. That process continues to this day. Every time the part of you that wants it all pipes up, you beat it down as inappropriate.

You are told that your child is unfair, greedy, selfish, inconsiderate, and ugly. You ought to care much more about others than yourself. Be considerate of them and not waste their time on your needs. But your needs still exist and are simply forced underground. Twisted and suppressed, they invariably become the very thing your authenticity was judged. The shadow needs become destructive for all concerned. Yet they remain the most viable avenue for most to fulfill their desires.

This destructive devolution can be turned on it’s head by actively embracing and celebrating all of your desires, and consciously creating ways to express them with integrity to your word and to your self. Fundamental in this shift is the understanding that you are not obliged to please anyone else. It is not your responsibility that your choice to be yourself leaves someone else with an unmet need. There are perfect people out there for them, should they develop the skills and choose to create them. Your first responsibility is to your own well being, abundance and success. Any gift you give to another is your right to love them, but not your obligation. There are so many years of my journey compressed into this paragraph. Each year it becomes easier. Your journey may be longer or shorter than my own. But these words will continue to shine brighter and brighter as the veils of shame, self doubt, unworthiness and fear lift from your eyes. A shining truth awaits your claiming – again and again throughout your years. You love and bless everyone in your choice to receive this teaching.

Begin the process by identifying things that you most deeply desire. It is helpful to reduce this to the emotional experience in areas that the form is not easily within your reach. If you want the mansion on the hill but don’t have the money, perhaps it is glamour, respect, love and a sense of being above judgment that you desire. What does being fully loved look like to you? Not the lifetime version, but the two to ten hour version. What does it look like sexually, out to dinner? Are you willing to take responsibility for giving to your self that which you have blamed others for denying you for so long? Are you willing to create it one piece at a time and gratefully receive the cooperation of others to do so? This is the beginning. Design perfect days with friends. Tell your lover exactly how to touch you. Describe an ideal adventure and see if you have any takers to do it with you! Have fun serving your own desires.

You will discover how hard it can be to own your true desires. Perhaps what you really want is someone to come over and massage your feet for an hour tonight, smile and go without saying a word. You then face the choice: to deny yourself out of fear of what you and others think. Or having the courage to stand for the love you want and allow your friends to love you. If they do not want to love you in the ways you want, you also have the choice to create new friends that really work for you. It is so easy, so much fun, and so very hard to come to make peace within to do. I honor your courage and your process and will support you to the best of my ability throughout this book, in part by sharing peaks into my own journey.

Action: Write ten things you truly desire to experience in great detail. Now consider recruiting people to support you in creating these experiences. The willingness to vulnerably receive gifts is an important talent to develop in this process. Just doing this process is a great success! If only one of your ten things happens you have just honored 10% of your desire. Well done!

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose