Responsibility Brings Safety

We feel unsafe when others need to need us – particularly when they dump their need on us without invitation. Suddenly we feel burdened by being made responsible for a part of another’s well being. This is often done under the guise of love: “I love you and I need to love you. Because I love you, you have to love me back otherwise my feelings will be hurt and it will be your fault. You should love me because I love you.” Often these people position themselves as the victim: “Not only should you love me because I love you, but because if you don’t nobody else in the whole world loves me and so I will be unloved.”

When someone approaches us and communicates that they are responsible for their own well being and that they would prefer to be in relationship with us, we are likely to feel respected. When we understand that they have many choices as relationship partners and we are free to say yes or no without saving them or ruining their life, we may feel flattered that they chose us among all their many options.

While there are many people that are still hooked by the passion of desperation, and it can bring great sex and drama, it does not tend to lead to a deeper long lasting relationship – or a safe one.

By creating choices for yourself and consciously owning responsibility for your well being, you can give others the gift of your presence and support them in their yes and their no. For those who know how to receive this gift, you are quite a catch.

This also explains why someone may be very attracted to you early on, when you have choices, but once they pick you, feel turned off as you direct your full neediness towards them in ways they may not know how to meet. If you can hold your own needs while in relationship when others do not want to meet them, they will not only appreciate you but will come to respect you. Respect is an important component of sexual chemistry.

Action: Consciously cultivate a number of ways you can meet  your needs for love, play and acceptance, and practice the art of giving that to your self.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose