Relationship Skills

We all have different skills and tolerance levels in relationship. When we communicate these to our partner ahead of time it can make the difference between a painful re-enactment of a trauma and a mutual expression of loving tenderness. The purpose of the following list of relationship skills is several fold:

• By grading yourself 1-10 (10 being amazing) in each of the following skills, it gives you a greater awareness of your own strengths and weaknesses.
  

• By having a few friends grade you in the same way you can also notice differences in how you see yourself and how you come across to others.
  

• By sharing your lists with partners and potential partners you can consciously develop complimentary strategies to build on each other's strengths and avoid weaknesses. You can also use this awareness to bring a special tenderness to your partner's wounds and weak spots - and ask for the same.
  

• Finally, after identifying weak areas, consider creating an action plan to actively build them up.
  

Energy Sensitivity:

•Do you pick up on other’s non verbal feelings             empathically?

•Are you psychic and/or very intuitive?

•Do the words “heart orgasm” make any sense to         you?

•Does your touch sooth other’s tender emotions?

•Do you know what other’s want non verbally?

•Do you see auras?

Communication:

•Listening:

oCan you listen for a long time and track                 all that has been said?

oCan you be empathic even when you                          strongly disagree with what your partner                    is saying?

oCan you feed back what your partner says                   accurately?

oIs your tone of voice reassuring?

oDo you make sounds or movements that                     show you are present?

oAre you able to stay interested in                              another’s heart share?

oAre you able to refrain from inappropriate                   interruptions?

oDo you enjoy listening?

•Speaking:

oAre you able to frame your thoughts in                      words easily?

oAre you comfortable speaking in front of                     groups?

oIs your voice dynamic and engaging?

oAre your gestures engaging and respectful                  of other’s boundaries?

oAre you able to maintain awareness of                       your audience?

oDo others understand what you say                           easily?

oCan you pause when others are                                 overwhelmed by your words and include                 them?

oAre you able to distinguish between a                        feeling and a thought (“I feel angry” is a                    feeling “I feel like you are doing X” is a                      thought not a feeling)?

oAre you able to make I statements most                    of the time?

Honoring Boundaries:

• Do you know what your boundaries are?
  

• Are you able to articulate them?
  

• Do you tell people what your boundaries are        ahead of time so they can respect them?
  

• Are you able to assert your boundaries easily       when people cross them?
  

•     Are you able to hear a request?
  

• Do you remember other’s stated boundaries?
  

• Do you ask people before you cross                     questionable lines?
  

• Do you ask permission before bringing up            sensitive issues?
  

• Do you ask permission before touching                someone who has not invited that?
  

• Do you ask permission before                             borrowing/touching other’s things?
  

Are You Comfortable Feeling and Expressing Your Emotions?

• Anger?
  

• Envy?
  

• Rage?
  

• Disgust?
  

• Hate?
  

• Cynical Humor?
  

• Playful Humor?
  

• Hurt?
  

• Fear?
  

• Humiliation?
  

• Shame?
  

• Grief?
  

• Sadness?
  

• Quiet Joy?
  

• Loud Joy?
  

• Happiness?
  

• Pleasure?
  

• Peace?
  

• Passionate love?
  

• Compassionate love?
  

• Protective love?
  

• Generous love?
  

• Selfish love?
  

• Physical desire?
  

• Possessive love?
  

• Unconditional love?
  

• Friendship love?
  

Interactive Awareness:

• Do you have good body coordination?
  

• Are you a safe driver?
  

• Are you good at multitasking?
  

• Are you present when you are with another?
  

• Are you sensitive to what is appropriate in           groups?
  

• Is your humor well received?
  

• Do naturally care about the well being of all         of the members of the groups you belong to?
  

• Are you able to negotiate your own needs in a      group setting?
  

• Do others feel safe around you physically and       emotionally?
  

Self Awareness:

• Do you have a sense of who you are,                  independent of who you are with?
  

• Do you know your weak points in life and             relationship?
  

• Are you at peace with your potential to cause       great harm?
  

• Do you know when you are triggered?
  

• Do you know your strengths and gifts in life?
  

• Do you have a sense of your inner beauty            independent of your behavior?
  

Self Care:

• When you are triggered can you consciously         step back and tend to your own needs?
  

• Can you put your emotional and physical well       being above the needs of others when it feels      right?
  

• Do you appreciate yourself and see your own        beauty?
  

• Do you care well for your body’s daily needs?
  

• Do you care for your long term health?
  

Mastery:

•Are you able to design and hold a space for both         you and your partner based on what is needed at        the time for energy to flow?

•Can you consciously create your own fun and               bring that to your partner?

•Are you aware of the gifts and price of your                choices and are you creating the life you want            with that awareness?

•Do you take responsibility for winning?

•Do you trust yourself more than your partner?

•Can you consciously create the relationships you         want?

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose