Relationship Contracts

A relationship stabilizes into a pattern as a contractual arrangement is inevitably formed. The health of the relationship for all parties is determined by the terms of this contract and how consciously it is negotiated and maintained.

Each contract is a means to grow and survive and is formed to provide value and security for both parties within the relationship. Every contract  eventually becomes a prison that must be broken or re-negotiated for the same reasons.

When you break a contract in the face of resistance by your partner you will feel guilt, shame, fear and a sense of undeserving. Your partner may feel betrayed, angry, hurt and shame at occupying the role of victim. You feel your feelings because you know the impact your choice to leave or re-negotiate the relationship is having on your partner.

Betrayal is a necessary step in growth and in every relationship. If it is done with care for appropriate timing, the ending or renegotiation of a relationship contract will often appear appropriate from both parties perspective. In this case the changing of the relationship can feel mutually healthy.

A relationship where both parties lack the will to betray one another when necessary for growth is dangerous for several reasons, the biggest one being that it allows  the possibility of an inertia of stagnation to continue indefinitely.

“Betraying” your partner responsibly and with kindness is a sign of mastery. It is easier to abandon them in the process of changing a contract than it is to stay present to both your own and their feelings about the choices you are making. It takes courage to responsibly tell a partner: “As of this time, I am no longer willing to hear your process about  XYZ and don’t want to for the foreseeable future. I also don’t want to be sexual with you in our current format. I understand that you have made choices that go into the future based on the assumption that I will always be there to do these things. That’s no longer true for me and I am open to hearing what comes up for you around my decision.” So often we don’t change an unhealthy contract because we fear that if we stop doing our part our partner may stop doing theirs and we may not like the change. There is a good time and destructive time to break every contract and no guarantees.

As in any contract, it is often the fine print that really counts. The parts that say “When you are really angry I will never speak my truth. I won’t call you on your games if you won’t leave me. I will dump my shame on you but give you financial security if you will take it.” We all know the fine print, but don’t like looking at it. And on some level we don’t want to change it. In order for a relationship to stay healthy and growth filled the contracts need to be periodically renegotiated to suit the ever changing needs of the growing individuals within the relationship.

Action: Write out the contract and fine print as you sense it between you and your partner. Assess the changes you want to make and re-write the contract as you would like it to read. Show these two contracts with your partner and ask them to do the same.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose