The Rejection Cycle

The wound of rejection is one of the most painful forms of loneliness we all suffer. I was hurt badly by my father’s fear of being close to me. I was hurt by years of wondering why he tried so hard to avoid just being with me. The obsession to manipulate him into spending large chunks of quality time with me carried into adulthood.

By now I was mad: angry at men who did not do what they said, who avoided me. I hated them: cowards, jerks. It was obvious to me by now that no man was ever going to come through and give me the support, validation and time I had so desperately sought. I felt bitter. Part of me still wanted a dad very much. Another was out for revenge.

As I would invite men to spend time with me, to get together and get close, they all avoided me; admiring and complimenting me for many of my skills, but not feeling safe in the mutuality of relating. Indeed, when they did, I found myself enraged. “How dare they need me! I am the one who has never had my needs met – who has taken care of a dad who needed to feel self important my whole life. Don’t you dare come anywhere near me with needs.”

All of this was going on beneath the surface. On the surface my child asked men to love him over and over again. And each time they said: “No thank you.” This contributed to a deep rage, and feelings of un-love-ability, which hurt deeply. I did not understand that what I was inviting men into were relationships in which they could not win. I was not saying, “please be my friend.” I was saying: “Please be the dad I never had. Please be there for me totally. And don’t have any needs of your own – that will trigger too much rage for me for all the times I needed to meet my dad’s needs while he never met any of mine.” It was to this they said no. It was this invitation that set me up to feeling rejected again and again.

If you find yourself in a pattern of being rejected, know that it will continue until you discover your unconscious invitation: the invitation that no healthy adult can accept. The invitation they will never succeed at if they try to accept. Making peace with it is not easy. But by recognizing that it is you, not them, who are perpetuating your wound, you can create the love and acceptance that is in fact available to your adult self.

Many of us are hooked by the fear that our love appears not to be good enough. Even as we try to prove that it is by testing, we are in fact continuing the pattern of rejection in a way that can become addictive.

The pattern has many faces that on the surface may appear separate: It shows up as we refuse to see others even as we feel unseen. By violating others boundaries even as we feel abandoned. As we push harder, a part of us demands that our partner admit what we have come to believe: that they do not truly love us: that it was all a sham and they really find us disgusting.  It can evoke a strange and intense rage when they do not validate our belief leading to a form of insanity as we actively try to manipulate them into owning how much they don't love us, all the while wanting more of their love. 

Other expressions of the pattern include: Insisting on chaos and last minute planning so that people who want to spend time with us have to say no. Refusing to RSVP until after deadlines and demanding to be admitted anyway. We may wait  to be asked so we can't be rejected. Refusing to love is yet another form to avoid the possibility of being rejected. Finally, bringing inappropriate faces of yourself to a setting insures rejecting. The teenager who shows up at a business meeting in sagging pants. The loud party persona at a funeral, all the while judging others as boring and stuffy. Making crude jokes to the friend who finds those things offensive. We are all complex enough that all we really have to do is bring the most inappropriate persona to every occasion and we insure a steady stream of proof that other's do not like us.

This pattern needs tenderness, awareness and frank discussion. It needs compassion, as well as clarity. As painful as it is to be rejected, it is also cruel to those around us and separates anyone from the possibility of really loving us. It is important for both parties to recognize this wound. It is imperative that  the person accused of rejection understands that it is impossible for them to win as long as this script is in the space.

Action: Share this text with your partner. Share how you protect yourself against the wound of rejection. Forgive and love this part of yourself with care. Apologize to your partner for the ways you keep them out to protect this wound.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose