Refusing to Receive

You have probably had the experience of offering to give something you know would benefit your partner very much and which they lack, perhaps even say that they want, only to have your gift rejected. Why do they say "no?" When we cannot live without something and desperately need it, often our internal "protector" steps in to block us receiving it. At some level we are afraid that if we do receive it, we will become dependent on that person and give too much of our power to them as a result. It is a complex form of self defense against a risk we believe we cannot afford and so we often refuse what we need  most.

While this is on the surface destructive, there is also a deep wisdom in such behavior. Relationships are a dance between need and independence. While it is healthy to have needs and healthy to allow others to meet those needs, it is unhealthy to have a co-dependent relationship, where you feel like one person has to meet certain needs or they CAN'T get met. In order to protect from abuse of power, we need to pull back in such situations until we are secure in our own ability to meet that need elsewhere. Then we are free to safely receive our need as a preference, not a co-dependent contract. Understanding this, we can support the person who declines our gift in stepping back and know it has nothing to do with us. Your only crime may have been to be too good at loving in relation to their ability to love themselves. Our partner may even be mirroring something about ourselves.

Action: Notice your own challenges in receiving. Despite what you say, can you truly embrace an experience of deep love when it is offered? Accept your healthy instinct to run away from the love you are afraid you could not give up once you experienced it. Talk to your lover so they don’t take your rejection personally.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose