Changing Perception

A woman feels swept up by the charismatic power of a man and gives herself to him. He tells her how special she is, how important she is, even as he moves on to other things and possibly other women. The woman feels suckered again – feeling like this is the same old pattern she knows so well. She fortifies her feelings of loss, loneliness, frustration and helplessness with cynicism: “I guess this is how guys are – they are so unreliable. I can never really trust men.”

Many of us can relate to being on one side or another of these roles. It seems straight forward because we share the same assumptions: True love is a lifetime commitment – about caring for each other until the end. Men like to use women. Sex is usury. Relationships that are working are supposed to last. It’s bad for things to die. People leaving relationship cause pain.

The assumptions we choose to operate with are just that: assumptions. A video recorder simply watches a pattern take place before our eyes. Our feelings about things shift when we shift our assumptions. Let us assume that there is a difference between the feeling of love and the form we express. That sexuality is a gift of mutually honoring and pleasuring each other's body. What if sex is a gift that can be given once, or over and over again as both people decide? Let us assume that it is healthy to be reminded of the beauty of love and the preciousness of life by a fleeting encounter. And that the very suddenness of birth and death breaks something open for both parties that can be explored by each alone and with other.

Relationship is a gift that is given. It’s offer does not require you to accept it. The time people give us in their lives, however imperfectly, is a gift. We have no right unless clearly agreed to anything more than is offered. It is valuable. As is the love we share. That love can take many forms. The giving of love does not cause pain. However it’s withdrawal awakens us to the pain we were already in as we feel separate from our own love for ourselves and the love we seek from others.

Endings bring us in touch with the part in ourselves that longs to feel our eternal connection for another in manifest form. This pain can guide us deeper into the mystery where we are all one.

Action: Be in gratitude and honoring of those who love you in your life in many forms. Make no assumptions and ask ahead of time for the boundaries and needs that are important to you. On a deeper level, consider how your world view is shaped by the truths you choose to honor.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose