Castrating Our Selves With Contracts

Frederick has a challenging situation at work and is deep in thought when he arrives home. As he makes his way towards his study to reflect on what must be done, his wife, Sarah, waylays him with a coquettish smile. As he tries to deflect it and focus on the problem at hand, she insists, leaving him no choice but to flatly reject her or abandon his focus and his work solving persona. Part of the fine text of their relationship she has demanded is that he promise he will never be the trigger of her wound of rejection. As he smiles and tries to live up to the agreement, something in him dies, and with it a piece of their marriage.

Maia is laughing playfully as she caresses Jim’s ear on the motorboat. They are on their yearly two week vacation in the Caribbean and Maia is feeling buoyant and hopeful that she can rekindle some of the spark of play between them that has all but died. She has waited for this time for months. As she makes a light hearted remark, Jim scowls and says: “Why are you always touching me?” In that moment a part of Maia dies, and with it her hope for the relationship.

In the first example Frederick is not respected in his work persona and need to be there. Left with the choice of failing in his responsibilities, or rejecting his wife’s need, he chooses the latter but feels robbed of the support he needs to be a man. His wife loses a man, and he loses self respect for himself and for her.

In the second example Jim is letting Maia know that even on vacation her vibrant playful self is not welcome. With no room to be the person Jim was so captivated to marry, they both lose. Left between the ongoing lose-lose of respecting his boundaries and the freedom to be the self he really loves, she decides to end the relationship.

On a more archetypal level: the warrior needs respect and room to fight, while the lover needs safety and adoring attention. To bring the warrior to the bedroom is to castrate the lover. To bring the lover to the warrior and beg him not to fight is to castrate the warrior. Knowing the right place for each energy in life and respecting the boundaries can allow you and your partner to support each other in being whole human beings.

Action: Ask yourself: What do you demand of your partner? In order to fulfill your relationship contract must they give up big pieces of who they are? Sit down with your partner and negotiate a script of win/win with an open mind. It is helpful to remember that each persona's primary need is to survive in relation to you, not to hurt you. The hurt comes when we interfere with each other's personas ability to function in relationship to us.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose