Birth of a Martyr

The martyr is a creative solution to very painful problem in most of our childhoods. When we are required to do things we are incapable of doing by people who do not see or respect us, yet upon whom we depend to meet our physical and emotional needs,  our martyr is born.

The martyr responds to the fact that so many parents rely on their children to meet their emotional needs, rather than meeting their own and being there for the child. Unable to do so, many of us none the less do our best to please, and in the process violate and burden ourselves with demands too great to bear. The feelings we come to feel include unappreciation, burdened, hostile and self pity.

The trouble as adults is that for many of us our  developed habit of earning love by taking on other’s burdens continues – even when our parnters don’t want us to. That strategy kept us alive with a degree of love as children, and now we unconsciously assume our partner will go along with the same arrangement. Even as we hate them for the price we have to pay, if we feel that sacrifice and burden is the only way to prove we love, than we stand prepared to deliver. Feeling secure in our lovability is more important.

The trouble is that martyrhood kills love and passion. It may work for someone to stay in relationship with you if your agree to carry many of their burdens but there can be no genuine respect, love and passion in such an arrangement.  It is a form of bondage: “I’ll carry this burden if you won’t leave me.” 

Someone who might enjoy spending time with us in our passion may very well decide they don’t want to have sex with our martyr. Even as we would like to set this pattern aside for our own well being, our bodies have deep memories and terror rises up as we begin to unravel parts of our programming that kept us safe from abandonment.

Action: Pick a partner who neither sacrifices nor asks sacrifice of you.. A mature and experienced relationship partner will appreciate knowing that you can and will take responsibility for your own well being.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose