What Makes for Abuse?
Two continuums define degrees of loving connection or abuse. Every behavior that is done with a partner falls at the intersection of these two continuums. The first is permission. The second is connection. Sexually, if there is full permission to touch our partner in any way, there is not an issue of abuse, but the touch can either respect and meet the energy of our partner in a way that achieves deep connection, or creates distance by ignoring where our partner is at. Intention plays a strong role here. Some partners create profound intimacy with permission in mutually chosen forms of bondage and discipline with an intent to see and be seen in different roles. The worst abuse happens when there is no permission and complete disconnection. Raping someone who is completely disinterested might be an example. Pressing someone into sex who is only partially interested in a way that creates deep connection by pacing your energy to theirs, is still abuse, but less violent. Understanding this can help you understand some of the gray areas in which you are left feeling somewhat violated – or shitty. This often occurs when we say “yes” to a certain picture of how things will proceed, but our partner is not sensitive enough to really listen to what we need – and then imposes their energy on us in ways that violate our preferences. This is also an opportunity to develop our assertiveness. Perhaps instead of saying "yes" we can describe a picture - as if for a movie camera - of the kind of engagement we want. Then we can ask our partner if they are up for that. The greatest forms of abuse occur in the way we treat ourselves. Each of us has allowed beautiful faces of our divinity to be ripped away from us by others who were threatened, and often guard those tombs from resurrection with the same veracity as our original perpetrator. Each day many of us force things upon ourselves against inner cries of protest. This can be valuable to keep in mind when our fear of abuse prevents us from reaching out to connect.Action: Practice giving specific permissions for how others relate to you. Rather than just saying “yes” when someone asks you if you have time to talk, consider saying “I have time to be praised and appreciated right now, but not to talk business or hear your process.” Whatever is true for you. This is a form of self respect and a valuable skill to learn.
Cresting the Waves:
A guide to sailing through life on
Relation-Ships
Dane E. Rose
