The Need to Matter

Our need to matter is more fundamental than our need for love. When we have impact we know that we exist and that knowing is more fundamental than our preference for pain or pleasure. One of the greatest ways we influence those around us is by determining what faces and behaviors they express receive the deepest response from us.

On the flip side, when someone loves us, we often go through a process of testing to see whether our love really matters to our partners. Does it stand out and have impact. When many of us realize that our weaknesses or shadow self  has significantly more impact on our partner than our love, we are torn. We want to exist – to really matter and have the undivided presence of our partner. But to achieve that we must give our shadow to our partner. We want to love. And we want to matter. Often our need to matter wins out and we find ourselves doing just the things to really push our partners buttons for the pleasure of knowing we exist. This is often unconscious. We know better, but we forget, because the need for impact comes before the need to be liked or loved.

Action: When you are with a partner for whom your flaws have more impact than your love, accept that you are fighting a losing battle. Either educate your partner of this truth and support them in responding more to your love, or find a different partner. A partner who responds most to your weakness will have a weakening influence on your being over time by dividing your path towards love and your path towards mattering.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose