Successful Long Distance

You are the Lucky Ones: Many of my best relationships have been long distance. Among the benefits you may enjoy are:

•The joy of uninterrupted quality time when you visit one another

•The ability to be fully present in relationship when together and be available for other areas of your life when apart.

•The freedom to engage deeply when on the phone in the comfort of your chosen environment. Using a cordless headset or cell phone I              have enjoyed deep conversation while:

•Cooking and eating my preferred food

•Hot tubbing

•Light housekeeping

•Taking a bath

•Laying in bed

•Gardening

•The ability to focus more deeply on the non                physical energy of the space and less on the              physical body.

•Amazing energetic phone sex without the                   physical logistics involved.

•The freedom to be spontaneous in calls and have        short periods of  together time and have your             own space when you choose.

•The unique job of writing, which brings more               awareness and value to your communication.

•Less fights and time spent negotiating logistics

•The joy of missing one another.

•The ability to pick your perfect partner regardless        of their location.

•Time to plan exciting events.

With so many advantages, it is easy for the time you spend with one another to be several 100% more valuable than the time spent casually in many relationships. I hope to show you ways you can have even more fun than you otherwise would throughout this book.

Getting Equipped:

A good phone headset is a must. A cordless phone is ideal with a backup phone or spare battery. If you are going to spend a lot of time together it is also valuable to get a good long distance plan. Great rates are available internationally and nationally through: www.Nobel.com

Other things that can be really fun include:

•Some joint books you both enjoy

•Computer phones/cameras and broadband connection

•A digital camera and easy uploads to your computer

•An e-mail address

•An air miles credit card to help with plane fares

That’s it, you are ready to go!

Meeting Your Mate:

I have usually met my partners in person and then continued the relationship by phone. However with all the dating sites, you can just as easily meet someone on line. However establishing a really deep solid relationship is harder to get going without any in person interaction in my experience.

Stage One: An invitation to create space to explore.

After enough initial  contact, to ascertain the possibility of wanting deeper connection, I will invite a potential partner to create space with me to explore that possibility. “I would like to explore a deeper connection with you. Do you share that interest and would you be willing to set aside an hour some time to explore that with me in person or on the phone?”

Stage Two: The Conversation.

When the answer is yes, I invite an appointment and prepare myself for the experience by reflection on what it is that I am drawn to in this partner. Because many people are uncertain about my more direct approach I take on the responsibility to make it easy for them to be comfortable. Leading with what I want and with what I appreciate is generally the best way I have found to do this. “Hello. Thank you for making this time to connect. I really appreciate you taking time out of your life and making a priority to explore this relationship together. What I’d like to share is the things that draw me to connecting deeper with you and some ways I am open to that happening. Then I’d like to hear what leads you to being open to connecting with me? Will that work for you?” The conversation can be an hour but is often longer, as we relax into the spontaneous flow of connection, curiosity, appreciation and love.

Stage Three: Education.

As there is mutual interest, I suggest a course of conversations that involve getting to know one another. “What hurts you and what makes you feel loved in relationships? What is your life story? What creates value for you in relationship? If you really knew me you would know…” This creates an experience of deep intimacy that is very solid but also very fast. Pacing is important to allow both people to integrate.

Stage Four: Container Building.

In this stage I outline what I need in the way of agreements and shared values to feel comfortable making this relationship long term and deep. I also take the time to understand my partner’s concepts and preferred habits as a friend. I have a set of eleven guidelines and agreements that include such things as a commitment to make a priority to clear up unresolved feelings quickly, create win win together, and take responsibility for communicating our own needs. It also goes over things such as confidentiality, a focus on transparency and on inner growth within the framework of the relationship. In this process we talk about what we both need to be safe and to value investing a lot of time and energy.

Stage Five: Integrity.

What I find is that there are disparate factions within my and my partner’s personality that are in discord with our stated intentions and agreements. Edgy energies that leave me feeling unsafe within myself or within my partner. I like to talk about these and flush these parts out into the open. The value in this is both to preclude sabotage and also to gain access to more of each other. If my child is running away, the relationship will not benefit from all of my creativity and playfulness. If my adolescent feels hatred for my partner, perhaps reminding him of his mother, then the relationship will not benefit from some of the curiosity and passion it would with my adolescent engaged. I like to bring this process out into the open, owning it, and using it to build trust and create more connection. “I notice there is a part of me that is reacting to our relationship. Are you OK hearing about this dynamic and active listening me for the next half hour?” As this dialogue unfolds we both become more peaceful. Perhaps what I have to say triggers a reaction in my partner, in which case, I then listen to what they have to say until they are complete. A deep intimacy is woven in this back and forth.

Stage Six: Expanding Potential and Sharper Focus

As the initial growth cycle subsides, there is room to cultivate new possibilities. “What fun things can you imagine doing together at some point? What invitations do we want to make to one another? What areas of this relationship do we want to grow in and how can we support one another to do so? Are there any fun projects we might want to tackle together?” This process keeps things fresh and gives vision and direction beyond the “Hi. I’m fine. How are you” type of conversation, which can get stale if too frequent or too long.

Stage Seven: Honoring, Adding Dimensions and Refining

Appreciating each other vocally, honoring our continued commitment, and refining what is and is not working for us regularly keeps things fresh and alive. Adding dimensions can be waves of e-mails, phone, cards, getting together etc. One of the important things to do along these lines is to regularly make a discipline of making “deposits” in the relationship. Sending a card, a poem, flowers, compliments and doing something special that my partner has indicated helps them feel loved. And letting them know all the things they are doing that help me feel loved.

The Important Relationship is in your Mind and Heart. The amount of pleasure chemicals your body releases when you feel really good about yourself is greater than any amount of release by just physical touch. By connecting with voice you have the ability to have the deepest kind of impact on one another.

Energy is not bound by space or time and you may also be able to tap into and feel your partner on some of the many other dimensions in which you both exist. Picking a partner who is sensitive to energy psychically or otherwise will greatly support you in that. If you have this gift yourself it makes all the difference in the world to be able to share this with a partner.

Games To Play:

To create your own list of games, prepare a list of all the things you would like to do with your partner that can be done within the logistics of the relationship. Have your partner do the same. When you both have your lists, read them to one another and on a one to ten scale rate which one of your ideas will give you the most value. Then have your partner rate your ideas on a one to ten scale as well and do the same for hers.

You should now have at least a few ideas that have high ratings for both of you between your two lists. Simply schedule the necessary time and put one of these ideas in place right away! Have fun with it!

Ideas for Game’s I have Enjoyed:

•Writing a poem for a beloved and sending it via e-mail and/or                       reading it on the phone.

••Starting a call by trading five appreciations back and forth. As I                     receive each appreciation from my partner, I let it in with a “thank you”

•Having a mini “Christmas” on the phone. Agree on an amount to                   spend and then send each other 10-20 small presents in the mail, all nicely wrapped. Open these together, along with the cards.

•Imaginary Lives of Genitalia: My penis, whose name will remain                    anonymous in this book, has a vacation ranch with a number of very             talkative animals. They send my partners postcards and news from the ranch, as well as bits of gossip they have overheard. It can be very entertaining for all concerned!

•Watching a movie together while on the phone and having an                        agreement to both pause it instantly for chit chat and comments                    whenever either party wants to.

•Reading fairy tales to one another (they can be looked up on the web           easily).

•Reading books on relationships together and comparing notes.

•Buy each other gifts and cards.

Amazing Phone Sex:

One of the best parts of a long distance relationship is that there is an opportunity for even better phone sex than physical sex. Using powerful fantasy, hypnosis, and energy flow it is possible to create erotic experiences that transcend anything I have experienced physically. It’s not that it’s better, it is different.

Guided imagery is what I find most helpful. I will begin the experience of phone sex something like this:

“I am feeling really turned on by you right now. Are you willing to have sex with me.” if yes, I go on:

“I want you to tell me where you are in your house and how you are dressed….. What position is your body in…….? Will you remove your shirt for me so I can touch your breasts……..? Thank you…… I’m gently stroking your breasts right now with the tips of your fingers….. Now I’m sucking on your right nipple and biting it gently with my teeth…… How does that feel to you……?”

As I am speaking I am visualizing it clearly and directing my full attention both through my words and into the reality of the image. As I do this my sensitive partners not only enjoy the imagery but they feel my energy within their body.

As I continue to speak I scan a variety of images and notice which ones turn me on, but more importantly, which ones seem to turn my partner on. If I am not checking in energetically I might ask my partner:

“Would you like to be a goddess queen on your tropical island being sacrificed for fertility? Or perhaps a medieval lady as your knight climbs the vines outside your window to watch you as you masturbate? Or perhaps you are riding bareback and naked with your hands tied behind your back as you are pursued by strong men in black who will fuck you hard for trying to escape?”

The rhythm of the voice (listen to a hypnotist if you have not already done so) is very important. The intention is on energetically connecting and flowing energy in increasing intimacy.

Sexual fantasy can be safer on the phone, which provides a unique opportunity to play with certain taboo energies. If you are the male, you might, for example, bring your partner to a point of climax and then demand that she hold her cum for you, even as you tell her you are continuing to fuck her. As she cannot hold it any longer you might bring her father into the picture, moving out of the way so that he can fuck her from behind as she cannot control her cum and orgasms with her father inside her. Perhaps he tells her what a useless daughter she is as she cums for him. The guide in all of this is not to pursue obscenity, or to have a plan, but to explore and open the energy.

There is a unique energy between parent and child that is sexual by the very nature of the fact that our existence began with sex. Acknowledging and embracing this impulse in a safe setting of fantasy can allow certain psychological issues to be worked out. Either way it makes for really hot sex.

I am not necessarily personally turned on by the fantasy that comes into being in service of my partner, but I am very turned on by her opening and her cum for me. It is beautiful to witness, to tease, and to draw out. So that I can better serve her and enjoy her energy I may hold back my own masturbation and cum for much of this, climaxing at the end during her last orgasm.

Because Imagery is so effective it is not something I do, but buying each other sexy outfits and/or toys could also be an enhancement of this. Watching common porn movies or online cams of one another are other enhancements. I usually like my partners to be sub-verbal but I at times co-create fantasies with my partners.

As the imagery reaches certain points I may also shift to a totally energetic dimension, describing flows of light within our body. I also notice where my energy is stopped and cannot easily penetrate my partner. I will say things to bring awareness to this: “Feel your belly tension wanting to keep me out and open that up to me. Even though you have been hurt here before, I want you to open that to me now and take me even deeper inside of you.” For this to be effective it needs a corresponding awareness of what is going on energetically. However when done with skill, this brings a whole new level of energy forth.

It is also most important to make love to the heart, focusing energy from the genitals up through the heart and out through the 7th chakra. Pacing (slowing down and speeding up) can be done to allow time for the energy to flow and integrate. I also like the woman to lead: opening her up so that she wants more of me than I am giving. When I push more than she can take she closes down and it is not as pleasurable for either of us. Allowing her to lead in her opening is a beautiful gift to us both.

Finally, there are a number of phrases that are powerful tools to opening each other’s hearts that I use when I genuinely feel them:

You are so very beautiful. I love you so much.

You are a beautiful being.

I love you.

Open your heart to me.

You are so open – so beautifully open. Thank you.

Thank you for your love, my love.

I want you so much.

I need you – need you to give me everything.

I desire you totally

I love your body. I am so into your body!!!

You are so very sexy!

I want all of you! All of you!!!

Thank you for giving so much of yourself to me.

The eyes are powerful lenses and communicators for our consciousness and I will sometimes gently open my partner’s eyes with my thumbs to focus my presence into them through my own eyes. Timing is everything, but this can bring an amazing vision of our raw sacred energy at its most beautiful and animalistic simultaneously.

The most important piece in amazing sex is willingness and “yes.” This cannot be faked. When you are a yes you can allow your intuition to lead you in your honest intention. When you are a “no,” don’t make it wrong, but learn from it. Flow with it and be in question about when you will enter your yes again. The same is true in respecting your partner’s “yes” and “no.”

Asking permission can be healing and important particularly in phone sex: “My love I want to place my hands on your naked inner thighs and caress them. May I do this?” Wait for the answer. Keep asking for permission and then gently touch your partner. Ask them if they like light or heavy touch. Stay tuned in. Asking for permission shows respect and allows your partner to enter a deeper yes. With permission you can also do the reverse: “I want to fuck you know. Go down on your knees and submit as I take you from behind!” Each face of you will engage another face of your partner. Some partners may not be able to meet all or a number of your faces. Find the ones that work.

A Sense of Equity:

Have an agreement about sharing the cost of the relationship. I normally ask that there be an assumption that we split all financial costs 50/50 unless either of us feels moved to give a gift. As a man I like this because I don’t like feeling like my gifts are expected or owed. I also like to receive gifts as much as my partner! I like a balance of pursuing and being pursued. Make whatever agreements you want with one another up front so there is no misunderstanding.

Going Deep:

You can go as deeply or as shallow as you choose. If you choose to really deepen your love you will have issues that come up to be resolved. Allow those to do so. I often bring in a joint therapist and do three way calls. Doing independent energy and psychic sessions also supports me in clearing out and digging up the issues that stand in the way of greater depth. Go at your own pace and pick a partner with a preference for similar levels of depth.

Patterns of Connection:

In a long distance relationship it is easier to engage and disengage. Consider a conversation and a design in which you engage intensely for a bit and then tone down, pause or close the relationship until it feels right to both parties to open it again. Enjoy the ease of the dance, be clear on what you want and stay in communication about this.

Note: Some of this may be useful to you. We are all unique and acting inconsistent with who we are will neither bring you happiness nor success. Do what you know works for you.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose