Skewed to the Negative

Many relationships offer the worst returns on energy invested imaginable. Two people, both exhausted and in pain from pouring themselves into the dual job of building relationship and shielding themselves from the pain of potential distance, resent each other more than anyone else. How does this happen?

As a survival strategy to get more, most of us focus on what is lacking more than what is there. Hence in the midst of a staggering amount of evidence about the beauty of humankind, many of us have a rather dim view of the world.

In one example: A teenage punk lusts and leers at woman passing by. Clearly a sign of the evil of humankind?

If we look closely things may look different. We could observe that even the most ostracized among us yearn for some form of human connection. Sex is primarily a vehicle for receiving nurturing touch. The leer may be evidence of a fear of rejection, which in turn implies that even the most difficult of people are deeply affected by others and find hearing a “ no” to their invitation hard to receive. And the fear of humiliation is further evidence that this man cares so much about what even strangers think of him that he gears his whole presentation to looking cool, suppressing many of his vulnerable tendencies and expending a great deal of energy to do so. Yet is this recognized? Or is the judgment that the world is getting worse, that people are so disrespecting and uncaring. Often “abusers” are the least seen among us. This is true of the abuser inside each one of us as well as those outside.

My point is that while there is abundant evidence that we are caring, sensitive, needy and loving people, we tend to register only the brutality that is often an outgrowth of this energy being mismanaged in the face of overwhelming fear.

This is one of the big reasons that many of us think twice about being in relationship: Once we are in a relationship we are often viewed as all the things that we are not, while all that we are goes unappreciated and taken for granted.

Action: Next time you feel disgusted with what the world is coming to, spell out exactly what you judge and look closer. See if you can find signs of just how much people care about other people in all sorts of overt and covert ways.

Footnote:

As a more immediate example of how our minds are skewed to the negative: Notice the parts of you that negatively react to this chapter and/or to me as the author. What do they say specifically?

Now step back and look at what is actually happening here on this page. I am offering a unique window into the beauty of human beings with an intention that you, as a human, may feel a deeper sense of pride and value in who you are. And an intention of lessening the distaste you may feel about others lack of social abilities. I'm offering this gift free of charge and have taken time to wrap this gift in words and then wrap those words in a layout and then pay to have that layout posted on the web. Did any of that register for you amidst the defenses that came up to protect you from your own "should's?" What I mean is: Many of you will hear a chapter like this as: "I have to be nicer to rude people." That voice comes from within. Then another voice says: "Give me a break. I'm not going to be nice to rude people - this writing is full of it." For some the defense against the inner "should" is so important that what is actually being said and the author of those words becomes invisible in the midst of the reaction.

This human tendency has a consequence for those of you who relate to the should and the defense. You will probably notice that you experience some form of visibility or writer's block when it comes to voicing something original about your own truth - if you attempt that at all. And it's not because you lack the ability to write or be visible or don't have valuable things to say. One reason is that when our own perception is skewed towards our defenses and the negative, we fear the same dynamic of judgment coming towards us in others. And it does not feel good to prepare a gift only to have that gift attacked and unseen in the midst of self absorbed reactions.

The attack dynamic is healthy, however, when "should's" remain in place and so it will continue. What people are really fighting is the demand that they do and be more than they are able or that is appropriate and the things in their world that give ammunition to the tyrant of the "should." As a writer this is how I make sense of the fact that about eighty percent of what people focus on about my writing is the twenty percent that they either do not understand or disagree with. I do the same thing when I go to a workshop: find the need to go up and tell the teacher the one thing I did not like. [smile] What I'm trying to do is create safety for myself so I can attend more events but I'm sure it's not easy for teachers to give so much in the face of this human dynamic.

Action: Notice the voice in your self that is loudest as you read this footnote. Write down what it is saying. Notice how much beauty and gratitude stands out in that voice and how much criticism, judgment and conflict stands out. Do not judge the voice that is there. If it is unbalanced, consciously add the other voice in so that you can experience things in balance and without a reactive charge. This practice can transform our experience of life in every area we apply it. And we don't have to. There is no "should."

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose