Honor All Your Sexual Selves

Have you noticed that at different times and settings your  sexuality changes?  What side of you shows up in fantasy? What’s different when you are single instead of married? What shows up at parties? Do different partners draw out distinct aspects?

When we choose a life that fits a certain mold and settle into it, our sexuality may not be far behind. There is a deep grief many of us feel when we are caught in this sexual mold and can’t break out. While we may not feel it is right to bring those other aspects of our sexuality into our current mold, we may miss the gifts they bring and feel a longing. Unanswered, this can lead  to a death of vitality within ourselves, which then enters other aspects of our relationships.

The truth is that we all have multiple sexual selves all with very different needs and gifts. Depending on the setting we are in and how comfortable we are with our self, we give permission for various aspects of our sexuality to come out.

As an example many of us may include these faces within us:

The Needy Companion: This face of sexuality is all about receiving acceptance and belonging in the world through sexuality. It feels accepted as its advances are received. It just wants to be held, loved and welcome.

The Scared Child: Fear of loss, abandonment, betrayal. Fear it will not be loved. Willing to do a lot to secure love, overly giving and rescuing so it will be valued/loved. Very needy of validation.

Playful Little Child: It feels very happy, connected, loving and loved. It wants attention, to play, and making the parent pleased and happy in exchange for adoration and undivided attention.

The Submissive Abused: I lay myself bare to the betrayal and cruelties of love, refusing to defend myself. I love fully, even as I am beaten. I get some small satisfaction in allowing myself to be punished. I take as much as I can in this place before either moving into a dominant protective mode or an embittered, cynical mode and resigning.

Action: Write out your own list of sexual characters (at least seven) and ask your partner to do the same. Look at how many of them are able to express themselves within your current relationship. Have a conversation about how to bring more of the gifts of each face of your sexuality into your lives that support you at this time. Be creative, and tenderly respectful of each others needs and boundaries.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose