Guilty Dreams

John and Patricial have been dating for a few months and getting to know one another. One evening John tells Patricia, with some guilt and trepidation, that his true passion is to live in New York, do heavy construction part time, and be an artist in the evenings. It is a dream that calls to him – a face of himself he longs to experience.

Patricia feels a mixture of rejection, hurt, anger, and tenderness. “John, you know I don’t want to live in New York, I hate cities.” That is all that she says, but the conversation going on beneath the surface is intense, and dynamic. "What is he thinking? We love each other - now he's wanting to go off to some smelly city and I can't go there. Surely he wouldn't leave me for that?"

John may be feeling guilt and shame for wanting something that may take them apart. He feels guilty that he has wishes that he knows are not what she wants. He feels apologetic for having them, and for the sag in her body that tells him she is not happy.

Patricia may be questioning: “don’t you want me? Are you trying to get away? Is my love not good enough?” Patricia is perhaps also torn. She can see the glint in his eye. What right has she to stop him from pursuing his heart’s desire? She has always wanted that for him. Now that he has had the courage to reveal what that is, though, she feels sadness at the growing distance between them.

And under the guilt, John feels angry: He has kept this hidden much of his life, denying his passion, his voice, and freedom as he sought connection and acceptance. He is angry at the choice – at the prison he feels. He would love her to be there with him, but it’s not her thing. He does not want her to be unhappy. He furiously resents the sense that this problem is all of his making – that there is something he should be doing differently.

Patricia may also feel a wave of resentment welling up. Sacrifices she has made in order to cement their union flow before her mind – areas she has curbed her own desires, uniqueness and preferences in order to build something greater. She may feel rage that the payoff of union is being denied her – feel the pangs of loneliness, and want him to suffer in the ways that she has.

Action: Fill out the “life design” questionnaire with your partner.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose