Grinding to a Halt

As our dance into loves dimension unfolds, unveiling layer after layer of your onion, the container of safety and caring must continually deepen. In the deepest intimacy of all: the trust to allow oneself to be recreated as our partner’s perfect love, safety is essential. One of cues of the existence of this safety is for the unveiling to be mutual: a parallel transformation into each other’s divine self.

At some point in the peeling away of the onion one of you will stop, perhaps unconsciously. Whoever has stopped the process will most likely know but feel defensive. The magic will begin to fizzle as defenses against blame and pain rise up.

What has happened is that the relationship has hit an alliance that is deeper than the alliance to your love. This happens when the love and the container of safety does not keep pace with the unveiling. It is a survival instinct that simply says: “I need more of something before I let this go or I’m not budging.”

This can be the most painful and disorienting processes because it is not conscious and often leads to a severing of the connection and trust. When one party expresses an alliance to a program that is deeper than the love and in conflict with the love, it is no longer safe for the other to continue to transform into the perfect partner for the one with another agenda. This is because whenever our partner has an agenda that is more valuable than love, part of who they want you to be is someone who is willing to also betray your love to protect their agenda. 

In fear, anger, frustration and grief, here is where so many true love’s end. Whoever is holding on may feel guilty. Whoever is being kept out is hurt. The guilt produces resentment, and punishing behavior. The hurt seeks protection, which in turn leads to withdrawal or attack. This leads the one who needed more safety to be less trusting than ever. It is a meltdown going nowhere fast. All of us dread these moments more than just about anything. The grief and loss of an ending this way is enormous.

Action: Recognize the risk and courage of both you and your partner as you embark upon your journey. Have compassion for the parts within that want to play small to avoid such pain.

It is not for the faint of heart.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose