A Tale of Shifting Roles

I remember a time when a former lover and I came back together. In our former relationship she had been the dominant one, afraid of my power, bullying me into a submissiveness I stepped into to avoid conflict. Our separation gave us three years to review our needs and behaviors. Coming back, I occupied the role of the teacher. She welcomed my gifts of insight, opening and submitting to my perceptions and coaching. As dominant as she had been, what she truly wanted was the safety to freely submit without shame or diminishment. We were now in a new role.

Then one day things shifted again. Having received all of my teaching I could give her, she took this energy and began weaving it about me: giving me something of her own. Part of me felt I had failed as a teacher. Another part  realized we were simply shifting roles again. Dancing in the shadows: one moment she held me and my child cried in her arms. In the next I was her guide: an old man, leading the way for her blossoming adolescent. Now she stepped in as my guide: holding my hand in areas I was frightened of walking.

Relationships grow stagnant when they fall into inertia. When the dance of roles is locked in place by one partner out of control and fear: “I don’t know how to do the fox trot and don’t want to make a fool of myself. So we have to do the tango, and nothing but the tango. If you step out of line, I will punish you.” Year after year. The energy grows cold and withers. The love and respect dies.

Giving the gift of death to a partner who is stuck in fear is a great service. Often just the threat of death is enough to break the inertia pattern and shift roles again. Bringing the fear of loss into reality frees our stuck partner from their fear: it has happened so there is no longer anything to be afraid of. With nothing to lose they may make the needed shifts, and come alive again.

Action: Look at the dance repertoire between you and your partner. See where it flows and where it is stuck? Ask your partner to show you the ways they want to dance that you resist. Make a commitment to each other to do specific things together that define a new dance step.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose