Rest from Truth

We need many tools to navigate relationships smoothly. Among these we need a game face. A game face comes in handy when your partner is in tears over something that we see clearly is of their own making. When we see how much they are stretching the truth and pushing against the natural flow of things in order to orchestrate a reenactment of their wound. As we find ourselves the natural target of  blame for their pain, our impulse may be to yell at them or tell them to cut it out and put a quick end to both of your suffering. At certain junctures this could lead to a severing of connection. At others there is not time or the appropriate space to deal with the fallout of confrontation. You can instead feed back to them in their own language what you are hearing: “Honey, I’m hearing that you see this and that and you are feeling upset as you see these things.”

A game face can be a step in compassion. Realizing that in this moment they cannot deal with the truth of what’s happening and that they are genuinely in pain as a result of the illusion of mistreatment, you can be there for them in their pain without buying into their illusion. When the illusion leads to their perception that you are not enough, a game face can be very valuable in avoiding a vicious circle of triggering one another’s wounds. For me personally I see the use of a game face as a temporary function of supporting my partner through crisis until the deeper issues can be addressed. I am not interested in maintaining a relationship that requires ongoing withholding of what I see and my feelings about it.

We all need a certain respite from the truth sometimes. If you are to stay in close proximity to a partner at such times of respite a game face is necessary to avoid burning you and your partner out with ceaseless processing. Be a sun umbrella for your partner in the light of truth. They will appreciate the moments of shade. This is not something to judge: the sun helps us see, and it will fry our skin with ceaseless unprotected exposure. Be the sun for your partner, but also be their shade when they need it.

Action: Ask your partner what would best serve them as a game face? Invite them to give you a signal when they need that. Help your partner do the same for you by coaching them in the words and behavior that you need to shelter you from truth.

Contents

Cresting the Waves:

A guide to sailing through life on

Relation-Ships

Dane E. Rose